i opened up, for the first time, to this guy that probably was the wrong one to open up to but hey things happens huh. I met him awhile back and at first tried my hardest to stay clear of him bc i knew it could never work, but whatever he had, or was doing just made him so irresistible to me. So after awhile of ignoring, ducking and allowing him in and out of my life, i fell for him,and boy did i fall for him hard. I don't know if it was the way he looked at me, the way he touched me, the way he appeared to be such a tough guy but was a genuine softy at heart (or at least when it came to me), or if it was the way he made me love him bc it appeared as if he genuinely loved me. Whatever it was it was enough to get me to be his girl. But before i became his girl there were many things about him that i ignored and did not care for. Some of the things he did and said were just not characteristics that i would EVER want in a man, but still i ignored them and became his lady. He (on a daily basis) expressed how much he loved me (verbally) and would tell me how i was the one he wanted me to start a  family with. It was all nice but when we actually started dating those same characteristics that i chose to ignore before making it official started to bother me more. I don't know if i thought making things official between us would make him change or if it would alleviate all the bad things i hated about, because if that's what i did think....i was truly an idiot lol smh. But more and more those traits started to become a frustration to me and took a toll on our relationship in a way that was more disastrous then any other issue that we had ever fought over before. I would hear stories left and right about how he was doing things he wasn't suppose to be doing, and granted i am or have never been the jealous type nor have i ever been the type to play off of he say she say, but the fact is all the drama was beginning to wear me out and I don't do well with drama. So after awhile i got fed up with it bc everything he did was out of selfishness and never out of an act of kindness to me (as his girlfriend). I held it down and fought as hard and as long as i could (despite what all my friends and family said and did, and all the comments hurt) but eventually the fire in me gave out  and even though i wanted it to work i just realized that it was never going to be what i wanted it to be because technically we weren't ready for what we threw ourselves into. His biggest undesirable trait was the fact that he was selfish...he never cared about how i felt about anything, and boy did the crap he did prove it. But at the end of the day I learned that its never okay to rush into something that you may not be ready for, and i am not saying that i was ms. innocent in this whole situation because there were definitely things that i was not ready to settle for and let go of just to be with him, so it went hand and hand. I cant say now that its over that i am happy bc i still think about him a lot; however, i realize that sometimes the things you want the most aren't things you always need. So if you asked me today if i still loved him i would answer yes...yes with all my heart but i would rather us be apart then suffer through something that neither one of us were ready for, and as of him i am not sure if he will ever forgive me (because according to him i cut his heart deeply) but i know that he will be okay and find someone that he feels is worth sacrificing for. Unfortunately it just was not me.....

So i opened up, for the first time, to this guy that probably was the wrong one to open up to but hey things happens huh.