Over the last few weeks I have found myself in what I thought or considered to be a state of “anomie.” Big word I know but it means nothing more than just the state of being focus less- not knowing whether to go left or right up or down. However, as I’m sitting here observing myself interact with others I realize that I am not by any means in a state in which I know nothing; I am just surrounded by individuals who (I believe) know nothing! My problem is not that these individuals aren’t as “smart” as I am the problem is that they think they know everything without ever having learned or experienced anything. They are too busy trying to wrap their brains around other peoples’ problems they have no time to grasp the concept of their own, and therefore they make assumptions of how they believe the world to work. NO Bueno--- I had a friend (although sometimes very wreckless) that always dared to experience life for herself, no matter what the situation was she always wanted to be able to say “I’ve done that before,” or “I’ve experienced that.” She scared me at times but at least I could say that she was never afraid to have a focus. I believe myself to be the same way; however, I concern myself with what these others think but really don’t know and it seems to have been throwing me off. I can say that for the last few weeks I have been in a much better place bc I have kind of developed a habit of flipping the “off switch” to the tunage that I have been hearing lately. LOL!! The people here seem to be in a whole other world then I am. From the way that they dress to the way that they think, they are entirely too wrapped up in each other. For me, I think that is where my discomfort has come from bc I am not use to that. The state of anomie, as stated before, is where you are in a state of normlessness, or focusless-and I realize that I am not the one that is trap in the static- they are!!! Those people who consistently change their styles to make themselves fit in better, or those individuals who change like chameleons because they are too afraid to go against the grain. I find them to be aimless- very much so. See I know my purpose, I’ve stayed true to my person, and yes I’ve kept the same style of dress, so to me they are all the outkast—they are the ones that don’t know left from right and can’t see up from down. They are looking for their purpose in a place where we should have already established our purpose. It’s time to grow up, stop TRYING to figure out who you are and wake the hell up and figure it out already. Your character is not defined by what sally is wearing or who Joey is fucking, bc clearly sally and Joey both had a purpose when they woke up this morning otherwise they wouldn’t be doing what they are doing. So here’s the solution to those trapped in this state--- you’re here bc you are trying to comfortably live to conquer someone else’s purpose, so stop following them turn around and go find your own purpose bc I guarantee once you’re on that road (ur own of course) to fulfillment you will feel so much better.

NOTE TO SELF: stop trying to FIGURE out what you should be doing you know it----so do it!!!! You were feeling lost bc you were so caught up in the assumptions of life that others were giving you that you forgot to apply the knowledge you gained yourself---MAN UP bc your time is now and you DO NOT WANT TO MISS IT!!!!!

Girls are like
apples on trees. The best
ones are at the top of the tree.
The boys don't want to reach for
the good ones because they are afraid
of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they
just get the rotten apples from the ground
that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples
at the top think something is wrong with
them, when in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right
boy to come along, the one
who's brave enoughto climb
all the way
to the top
of the tree.

   1.   The faculty or action of forming new ideas, or images or concepts of external objects not present to the senses: "a vivid imagination".

2. The ability of the mind to be creative or resourceful.

I haven’t been here in a minute and I can see that this has taken a toll on me…I realized that when I don’t voice/express/release myself regularly I start to get a little irritable and careless with the simplest things. Someone told me today that daily self reflection is vital to our psychological well-being; she told me that it allows us to see the improvement areas in our lives. I can say that I agree…I agree 100% 

In my absence :: A lot has happened since I’ve been gone, and I’m pretty sure I won’t have enough space of time to explain it all. However, a brief synopsis will suffice. I have come to realize a lot about certain things and I know who is there for me and who isn’t. Certain situations that you encounter are a test for us to realize who is there for us and who isn’t and all I can say is I am absolutely thankful for the few people God has placed in my life (both guy and girl). On the flip side, I am missing my family lik crazy. I haven’t seen them in a long while and I think I just reassurance that there are those that still love me. I have to admit I do get awfully lonely in this place, and it sometimes just seems like there is always someone or something trying to ruin me. I’ve started a habit where I keep my loved ones in my prayers and I pay my tithes and things to let God know that I am truly thankful for the things that he is doing in my life. He has kept me thus far and I am counting on him to keep me the rest of the way. Also, I know I haven’t mentioned to you all that I have developed a bit of a crush on this guy (let’s just call him Clyde lol). He is a pretty cool guy and all I can do is pray that things go accordingly. (shrugs shoulders) ---- that’s is pretty much all (in summary) and I promise I won’t miss out on so much time.

I KEEP THE BEST COMPANY POSSIBLE!!!

The other day someone asked me why I wanted to pledge in a sorority and why I chose to pledge Delta Sigma Theta Sorority Incorporated. My answer was and still is pretty cliche if you asked me, but after i answered it and it got me to thinking about the other joys that come with it. Being apart this sorority was always and is still something dear to my heart, and I treasure every moment that I live it; but something that you don't always realize is that the people you pledge with (no matter how different you all are) will always and forever be a big part you. The 48 ladies (d.k.a descendants) that I crossed Gamma Chi with are the most beautiful ladies I know. I love them dearly and I wouldn't trade them for the world. Every argument, fight, and tussle that we have makes us who we are as sisters. No other women can do what we do, how we do, where we do it...and that's final. So I realized that when I gave my answer about why I wanted to pledge Delta Sigma Theta Sorority Incorporated, I left out the fact that being amongst so many [different but yet] beautiful young ladies that have the same drive and desire to succeed as I do is such an uplifting feeling, and no matter how rough our relationships get they will always be my ride or die Gamma Chi. 

I fell in love again today

I fell in love all over again today…every feeling that I had came back—the joys and the sorrows turned into meaningful sensations that seemed to be the climax of our relationship. But was I just making excuse for all the times I felt unattended and alone?? (shrugs shoulders).None of that mattered today though bc I love him again. With the bad. I love him again. It was normal, regular… you know like not different. I wasn’t sure if it was suppose to be, but it wasn’t and I didn’t care bc today I love him again……..And this was scary bc how can I ever get over him if every time I hear him I fall in love again???

I fell in love again today and that was scary bc it was only through a phone call!!!

^A lesson in a bad break up

^{This is just a breif summary >>>> So yesterday i got} dumped…and im not eaxctly sure if it was bc i was a horrible person (so to speak) or if they were just completely over me. I was truly hurt bc the same things i was being called out on were the same exact things that were being done…but in any case i had to respect their decision to let me go.

I always I find it interesting to know what people are really thinking about you and how they percieve you…and lastnight i got my answer…although it was quite hurtful, at the same time it was refreshing, bc they were true feelings (they weren’t holding anything back and that is fully respected). I have never really been good at “bad breakups” so i wasn’t sure exactly how to respond (other then to do what i always do and apologize), but that didn’t go too well…So i chose to let it go.

But, I cant lie it did make me think—i realized that my actions can affect people even when i don’t know they are. they expressed to me that i did things to make them feel isolaed—while i cant recall anything that i did clearly, there was obviously something that conjurred up the feeling otherwise it would not exist right?? So was i wrong??? should i have fought harder to keep them in my life??? that i will never know. Althouth it prolly wont ever be the same between us…to them i do apologize for discontinuing their feelings.

Good people are hard to come by, AND when you find them you do ur best to cherish them—i considered them to be a good person—so although i may not be wrong (or i may) i am responsible for me and my actions, so it is my job to learn from the mistakes that ive made and do better the next time around…so to that person i say thank you…thank you for allowing me to see the situations through the eyes of another!!!!!!!!!! 

                                   Welcome to Philly...

So i went to Philadelphia for Christmas break this year, and even though i would have rather been at home sharing this time with my family--i am glad i came. The lights, the people (that don't speak to you they just keep it moving like its suppose to be), the constant movement, the traffic, the big building, the city lights>>>> i love it all. Its like nothing ever stops, there's something happening everywhere you turn- from traffic to fights to people talking- there's always life. I experienced riding the bus and the El for the first time and i enjoyed every minute of it.I mean i am certainly not from a small town or anything but my home is nothing like Philly. The weather is another thing that captured my heart bc it changes. You actually get to experience all seasons and you get the pleasure of dressing accordingly. I love it, and I plan to make this the best experience ever...NEXT stop D.C. > New York > Maryland...and the fun continues.....


To Be Continued......

i am irritated...and not because things aren't going my way but because i feel like im trying and things just aren't working out. I feel like every time i put my hands to something its destroyed and i cant get it right. so now im just over it. i know i am not suppose to be able to have things come to me or be easy all the time  but damn can i get break for one minute. I went through a time where i didnt care about anything but now im trying to get over it and things just arent working for me....so i guess we will just call this my VENTING?COMPLAINING POST!!!!!!