The reality of “pressing in” is harder than we realize. It’s a learned behavior, for sure. We have to train ourselves to go one direction when our minds and our bodies are trying to send us another. It takes energy and effort that may be hard to find when all you want to do is be still. And for me, being still is the stance I take to help regain my strength or reestablish my composure, which in many cases is what that maybe is supposed to look like. What I am learning though, is that what I am doing when in that stance is the most crucial part of regaining strength. I am learning that “being still” doesn’t just look like sitting by myself not doing or saying anything, but it’s putting myself in a position to meditate on the truths of my heavenly father. It’s battling Satan with God’s truths. It’s slackening when I am so tense and backed-up with emotion that I can’t even allow God to penetrate. The truth of the matter is that God loves me. He loves me on my worse days and he loves me on my best days. He wants to have a relationship with me. He wants me to call on him in the midst of battle. It’s easy to call on him when life is good or when things are easy, but it’s in those moments of our lives when we are broken and hurting that we must practice leaning in.

I think it's fair to say that there's no specific way to live our life to ensure we are free from ridicule, judgement or tragedy. As a Christian, I do believe that there are certain standards and guidelines set by our heavenly father to ensure we are living for his glory, but even under his protection we aren't free from ridicule, judgement and tragedy. I mean look at Jesus, perfect in every way and the Romans still found a reason to come at him. I often think the reason people attack or criticize others or their circumstances is because either we are jealous or we just don't understand (and I say "we" because I have been in both categories). And if we want to dig deeper, sometimes the reason we choose not to understand is because of the fear that we'd have to lean in to an uncomfortable space or because of the realization that if in fact there is more than one way to do things, we ourselves would have to accept the fact that our judgmental posture has kept us from living as free as we'd like to think we are. So here's the thing, by no means am I saying that we, as Christians, are allowed to interpret the bible as we see fit, nor am I saying that because of grace we have the option of doing whatever we want. What I am saying though, is that the bible gives us very clear expectations on how we should behave on regular basis and anything that is not clearly outlined to us in the bible, we should be praying and listening for the Holy Spirit's instruction only as it applies to our lives.

I prayed for you.

I prayed that I would meet you.

I prayed that I would be able to walk this life with someone like you.

I prayed for a devoted friend.

He brought you.

I prayed for the opportunity to expose the secrets of my heart to people that wouldn’t judge me.

I prayed for a safe space.

I prayed for a chance to breath, really breath and not spend my life looking over my shoulder.

I prayed for a community.

He gave it to me.

I prayed for accountability and honesty.

I prayed for communication.

I prayed for love, but not just any kind of love, I prayed for REAL love.

I prayed for support…

And he showed me what that looked like.

So if there were any perfect time to express my gratitude, it’d be now.

Because… you see he didn’t just give what I asked for, he gave me more.

I prayed for you and he gave me several of you.

I prayed for love and he opened up the doors to his heart.

I prayed for one and he gave me all.

So understand that I can’t allow doubt a seat my table,

Because I prayed…of I prayed…and he gave me more than I could ever think to imagine.

   What the Heart Needs

I am the muscle you need to survive.

I am the constant rhythm softly playing in your chest.

I am the storage of the soul and the influence of life.

I am important to you!

 

…but how much do you recognize me?

How much do you allow the movement of life to penetrate my daily routine?

How much do you consider the level of protection I need to be healthy?

Do you pray for me?

Do you feed me words of encouragement, when I’ve held on tightly to the distasteful words of the world?

Do you quench my thirst when I am withered by the stress, the anger and the grief you swallow up daily?

How important am I to you?

 

I need to be guarded.

I need to be soothed when I am racing at the speed of your anxiety

I need to be cleansed when my storage is occupied by your unforgiveness

I need to be released of the heavy loads I carry, that slow me down and trip me up.

I need you to need me as much as I need you!

 

Because… I am the muscle you need to survive.

I am the piece that connects you to others

I am the scared part of life

I am important to you.

I am your heart!

A Selfish Perspective


The world is my platform, created to convey any message I see fit to share.

Never concerned with who takes the time to stop or stare,

I breeze through life with little to no cares.

People in the waiting for a little love and affection,

But my thoughts remain solely on my connections.

 

Where do “I” fit in, where can “I” be seen,

Selfish, selfish are what the loud whispers scream

 

Tightly gripping each moment that I gain,

Would they dare even ask me to share this “fame"?

But in the silence that sounds rings again,

Causing me to question what I intend.

 

 Where do “I” fit in, where can “I” be seen,

Selfish, selfish are what the loud whispers scream

 

The whispers get louder and begins to explain,

This is NOT only about what you have to gain.

I created this world, not for your glory,

But for you to share the love that comes from my story.

So as you worry about where you fit in and where you can be seen,

My people are straying off and dying, like in a bad movie scene.

 

Responding to whisper, I simply just ask

“How can I effectively share this story you have?”

With a soft tone and the most loving reply,

The whisper says to me “just simply shift your perspective up high.”

So where do I start, I haven’t put genuine thought to paper in years. I guess I just got so caught up in the movement of life. Well it’d do me no good, to sit here and try to catch you up on all the things that have happen since I was here last, so I’ll just start with where I am now…and let’s just say I’m not as reckless as I used to be. I am much more disciplined (not entirely haha, but more than I was).  I have learned (and am still learning) to accept who I am and be happy with what I have to offer.  I’d like to say that that comes with age, but if I’m honest, it’s certainly a God thing not an age thing.  The last two years of my life have been the most rewarding, but also the most emotional and trying years of my life and I have no doubt that my level of peace is contributed to the Holy Spirit. Don’t worry I’m not about to sit here and preach to you (that’s not my style) but what I will tell you is that it’s real and there was nothing great that I had to do to undergo this transformation other than to listen and be obedient to the instruction of the Holy Spirit. There are times that I still struggle with self-image and even acceptance, but then I remember that I am greatly loved, and I have a community of people who are invested in seeing me be better. Love is a huge theme in my life right now, and not even romantic love, but just understanding the concept of that word in general. Learning how to love myself, learning how to love God and learning how to love others. Well, I guess that’s enough sappy talk for today. I want to start getting to in to writing, so I’ll be back sooner than you think.  

The one thing I appreciate the most about myself is my passion, but on the same note, my passion is the one thing that scares me to pieces.

I love that I feel everything, everything from the good to the bad. I love that my heart gets excited by the joy of others. I love that heart saddens at the sight of others struggling to reach their deepest goals. I love my desire to want for others what they don't seem to want for themselves. I love that I choose to look past the bad in everyone and hold on to the small glimpse of light shining in them. I love that my passion for others makes me vulnerable to them.

My passion scares me though...my ability to feel what others feel, connects me in a way that is not only unhealthy, but dangerous for both them and I. It makes it difficult for me to let go of things in the moment of truth. It makes me vulnerable in situations where I should be guarded. It intoxicates my mind in moments where I need to be sober enough to cut the source. It ignites a pain stronger than I'd like to experience.

...BUT I still love it. I've been blessed with a gift so strong that it effects not only me but all surrounding parties. And even though it scares me, I still choose to be as vulnerable as it will allow me to be. I still choose to love and understand as deeply as I can, even when it doesn't go as planned. Its who I am. It's how I was created.

...and even though my passion is the one thing that scares me...it's also the one thing I appreciate most about myself.

I think it's about time that I admit that I am scared... scared of everything that I don't have, scared of not doing right by those things once I have them, scared of maybe never actually having them and most of all scared of what they will be like. I guess its safe to say that I am in a constant state of fear. The thing about fear though, that I am learning, is that it isn't real. By definition, fear is an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat [to us or our perceived plans]. You see fear [of anything] can only exist when manifested in our own minds and continuously feed by our thoughts. If left untended, this idea of fear, or this emotions can't remain alive [much like any other emotion we experience]. For the last year, I have fed on the idea that if things don't go the way I think they should go, then I am not "doing well" in life. Well,... that couldn't be farther from the truth. I tried so hard to force life in the direction that I thought it was supposed to go and you can only imagine the damaged that caused; I lost relationships, opportunities and created a wealth of anxiety in my life. Sounds overwhelming huh?? Well, yes... it is. But this isn't life. This isn't the intended experience we were meant to have in our time here on earth.This emotion, or this fear that we create in our minds... it isn't real unless we tell ourselves it is. Much like the saying "happiness can only exist when you choice to be happy," well the same works for fear, it only exists when we choice to give it life. Well, I am choosing to feed this emotion no more... I am choosing to trust that this life I have been so graciously blessed with will return to me all the good that I have put into it. This fear I have, has kept me from moving forward and experiencing the blessings that God has for me. For the last year, I have heard God calling out to me to rid me of all my anxiety and fears. To cover me with a peace so strong that even the greatest of storms aren't able to shake me. My favorite bible verses, as I have been studying overcoming fear and learning the trust God, are Jeremiah 29:11 and Philippians 4:6. Both of these scriptures reassure me that as long as I am doing what is right and trusting God, he will never keep anything good from me (not to mention the bible clearly states this in Psalms 84:11). So I've challenged myself to no longer feed this emotion of fear and when I start to feel overtaken, I will quickly remind myself that there is no room for fear in this amazing life that I have been blessed with.